Not for Nothin'

Upon the recommendation of W. S. Merwin
I've begun this poem with only the title
and no clue as to where it may go.
Not for nothin' do I write these words
and turn to look back at them, hoping
this act of reinvestigation will open
a crack in the universe through which I
might slip outside to see the whole of my life.

And so seeing, could give it a coherence that
has eluded my plans and requests, leaving
me still lost with arms outstretched and
fingers gently touching the air around me
searching for a way to discover this elusive
meaning through touch because I know
after many years that I cannot grasp it
with my head.

I have at least been able to understand
the limits of my understanding and in that
I can see that it circles back on itself because
it runs into the circularity of time and space,
and there is really nowhere else
for my head to go.

So almost by a process of elimination,
we come to touch, but it's not the touch
that holds you in my arms, and it's not the touch
that changes clothes to feel better, and it's not
that touch I feel while holding your hand or your breast.

This is a touch that comes from our whole body,
a presence that we could call our being,
and that comes from deep within our bodies,
as if we were feeling a kind of luminous energy
that grows from within us until it surrounds us with light,
or perhaps, with a glow.
We glow. This is that touch.

This is the sensation of being lifted,
spreading this glowing energy out from within us,
as if our bodies were expanding outward,
in all directions, elevating us, creating
a kind of sphere around us.
This happens without thought.
In fact, and not for nothin', thought prevents us
from opening ourselves to these energies.

Our heads are our greatest obstacles,
and when they get involved in
wanting to know what's going on,
everything pretty much stops going on
until we can once again quiet our head,
and reassure it that it will be included,
along with the rest of our body
in this process of transformation.

A transformation that begins with
the trusting of our lives, and trusting life itself,
of which, we are a small part.
It is through this acceptance of ourselves,
this friendship we develop with ourselves,
that we can stop worrying,
stop picking on ourselves,
criticizing every move,

And instead create a situation
so that our head can let go,
relaxing its constant grasping,
its constant storytelling about the world
and people around us, giving up the game
and thereby leaving room in ourselves
to approach the essential within us
through these sensations that grow
out of our need to be whole.

Kurt Heyl 5/1/09